Adventures in Normalcy
by carathay
Summary: So, KA1 is finished. The mob is dead and Mindy has to go to school. Marcus thinks that it is time for her to start doing some of the things that normal teen girls do. Such as getting a job or interacting with people her own age. Things that aren't easy for a superhero to accept. I mean, how much crap are you willing to put up with when you have 3 million in a suitcase?
1. Chapter 1

Adventures in Normalcy

_Set right after the end of the first film. Mindy is in school and trying to adjust to being a normal kid. _

Dave was woken out of a sound sleep by his phone chirping Mindy's ringtone at him. He'd been up late the night before messing around with Katie and his mind and his eyes didn't want to focus. The ringing stopped and he smiled at the thought of worrying about the call later and just going back to sleep. Then the ringing started again. It must be important. Or, at least, something that Mindy thought was important. They weren't always the same thing. Last week she'd called him at 4 AM because her butterfly knife's hinge was coming apart. He grabbed at the phone and pulled it under the covers and somewhere near his ear.

"What?" He answered, not sounding all that happy to be woken up.

"Dave? Oh my god! Dave? It's you, right?" Mindy's voice was frantic.

"Yeah, of course it's me. What do you want?" Dave drawled into the phone.

"Dave? I don't know what to do. Oh my god! I feel so violated." Mindy wasn't calming down anytime soon.

A bit of concern began to creep into his brain. What the hell could make Hit Girl feel violated? "What's going on?" He managed to croak out, as he worked to pull himself upright and find his glasses.

Mindy kept talking while I started looking for clothes to put on. "OK. Look, Anthony and I went for a walk, and everything was fine. You remember Anthony, right? From next door?"

I didn't exactly, but I remembered her kind of proto-flirting with a boy who lived near her when I visited her and Marcus last weekend so I figured he must be Anthony. I also figured now was not the time to admit I hadn't cared enough about her life to remember the guy's name. I made an affirmative sounding noise on the phone and she continued.

Well, anyway… Anthony… He was so cute. Like I said, we went on this walk before lunch and he was so adorable. Kept touching my hair and giving me little kisses. I just felt so close to him and I felt so special inside. And then he got this kind of wanting look on his face. And, I knew what that meant. So, we went back to his house and I made him something to eat. But he still hadn't calmed down so we lay down on the bed and began to play around. He crawled on top of me and even tried to stick his hand up my shirt. It was so much fun. Everything was still just wonderful. But then he started moving around kind of weird like, rubbing against me, and suddenly this yellow stuff squirted all over me. I mean, GROSS! And, seriously, is it supposed to be yellow?!" Her panic was starting to set me off.

My heart sank. Some asshole had almost raped her! I figured that I had to stay calm or she'd lose it. "Umm, no Mindy. It's usually white."

That strangely stopped her for a second. "It's supposed to be white? Are you sure?"

I looked over at my trusty Kleenex box. "Yep, I'm sure. Definitely white."

Mindy dropped right back into panic mode. "Oh my god! Maybe he's sick! Now what do I do?" A kind of whimpering started in the background. It kind of sounded like I had the last time Mindy had 'accidentally' kicked me in the balls while we were practicing. The sound had turned to this strange wailing at this point. Dear lord, what had she done to the guy?

"Look Mindy, you're going to be OK. Just don't kill him or anything, OK? I mean, I know he deserves it, but you just can't do it." The sound had turned to this strange wailing at this point. Dear lord, what had she done to the guy?

It was almost as if you could hear my words slap her in the face. "Kill him? Deserve it? What kind of a monster do you think I am? Of course I'm not going to kill him! Jesus Christ, Dave! It isn't even his fault! It's my fault! I shouldn't have been playing around on the bed with him like that."

"Mindy," I said, with a fear that I'd have to keep repeating this to her for months until she accepted it. "Sometimes it's hard for girls to accept this, but sexual assault is not your fault. I don't care how you think you might have lead him on, no means no. You did say no, didn't you?"

"What do you mean say no?" There was a deadly pause and my heart sank at the idea that she'd actually wanted that fucking slimeball to treat her like this. Then she came back. "What the fuck do you mean sexual assault!? He can't assault me! He's a baby! Oh fuck! I swore in front of him. I promised Marcus I wouldn't do that! Shit, I did it twice! Three times! Aaaahhhh!"

"I don't think swearing is all that important at the moment. Look, just because you like him and he's your 'baby'…" That's as far as I got before she interrupted me.

She shot back. "My baby? Are you insane? He's Angela's baby, you idiot!"

I really didn't remember her having a friend named Angela, at least not in this universe. But now was not the time for that discussion either. "Look, I don't care who he's going out with, he had no right to…" Again I was interrupted, but this time by laughter.

"Going out with? Dave? I said he's a baby! B. A. B. Y. Baby! I'm babysitting. For our neighbor, Angela Donner in the blue house next door? Look, Marcus made me do it. So I'd fit in or something. Anyway, I'm watching him this afternoon while she goes shopping. I was playing with little Anthony and his diaper had a blowout and it got all over me. I'm sorry. I panicked for a few minutes and called you. That's all that's going on. Who did you think I was talking about?"

"That guy you were talking to on Saturday." I said, carefully.

"Brandon? You thought I'd let Brandon crawl all over me? You pervert!" She laughed some more, then continued. "Hold on…. If it wasn't baby poop that you were saying was supposed to be white, what were you talking about? What's supposed to be white?" She was laughing so hard she could barely talk.

My elation at finding out that she hadn't been molested was basically spoiled by trying to find an answer to her question. I smacked the box of Kleenex right out the open window in irritation. "Umm, nothing's supposed to be white." I replied lamely. "Hey, I'm still confused. You said he tried to put his hand up your shirt?"

"Well, yeah. He's still breastfeeding. His mom said he tries to get inside of any woman's shirt, the little cutie." She was still laughing at me.

"Why would he do that? You don't have any…" I stopped right there, aware of how far I'd just stepped into the danger zone.

The silence went on for about two minutes before Mindy spoke again. The laughter was gone. "I'm still waiting for you to finish that sentence, Dave. What exactly don't I have? Choose your words carefully; then may be among the last you ever utter."

"Milk." I said, hoping this would appease her. "You don't have any milk."

I guess it worked because she laughed again. "OK, I'll have to give you that one. Good save." She said. "I'll forgive you if you go by Marcus's place and bring me another shirt."

"No problem." I replied, weakly. "I'll be there in 15 minutes."

"Thank. I really appreciate it. I'll start getting him cleaned up. And,umm, Dave?" She suddenly sounded a little nervous.

"Yes?" I replied, filled with fear again.

She whispered into the phone, probably so the baby wouldn't hear. "Seriously… What the fuck is supposed to be white?"

I hung up the phone.


	2. Chapter 2

Adventures in Normalcy Continued

_Set right after the end of the first film. Marcus is still pushing her being a normal kid, especially babysitting. I suppose I could have waited until the 4__th__ of July next year to post this, but… Nope._

BUZZ…. BUZZ… BUZZ…. My phone bounced along the desk and then tried to make a leap toward the floor. I reached out and caught it before it could hit and pressed the answer button. Mindy's voice chirped at me happily.

"Hey Dave. Whatcha' doing this festive 4th of July weekend?"

I groaned. There was no way this was going to turn out good. "Just relaxing. Probably going to go see the fireworks downtown. Why?"

"Do you want to keep me company and help me babysit?" She asked, all coy.

"Is this going to be another one of those days where I do all the work and you nap because you were out patrolling all night? And then keep the money, which you don't even need?" I growled.

"Of course not! I wouldn't make you work on a holiday. But now that you mention it, I've also got a gig next Thursday and Wednesday is the Mob's poker night…."

"Mindy!"

"You're too easy. Anyway, the kid's parents are off to some swanky society party and Marcus is making me take care of them. Apparently he doesn't want me out on the town on a night where they blow stuff up. No idea why. Anyway, I figured that between the two of us, we could give the kids a good holiday. Are you in?" Her voice had that pleading tone that I'd learned not to ignore.

"Why not? I'll see you later." I said, giving in to the inevitable.

I could hear the grin in her voice. "Totally fucking sweet! Pick up some fireworks and stuff, OK? Let's give them a good show."

I arrived just as things started to get dark, modest bag of fireworks in tow. Mindy didn't look impressed. "That's all you got?"

"It's all I could afford. I'm not rich, like some spoiled little girls I know." I taunted. Within seconds, I was flying through the air and then being pinned to the ground. My arm was wrenched behind me and she started to apply pressure.

"Take it back!" She warned.

"Which part?" I asked, still amused. "Spoiled or little?"

She bent my arm farther. "Guess!" She hissed into my ears.

"Spoiled." I said promptly. "You're not spoiled."

"Oh bullshit!" She laughed. "Of course I'm spoiled. I'm just not little!" She began to wrench my arm out of its socket.

"You are little!" I said indignantly.

"Am not!" She twisted harder, and while my fucked up nerves didn't feel all that much of it, I knew she'd start causing actual damage soon.

"Uncle! Uncle! I give! You're not little!" I yelled, trying not to laugh at her and prolong the punishment.

She let go. "You're such a pussy, Dave. I hadn't even dislocated your shoulder yet."

I heard a gasp and a giggle simultaneously. I looked up and saw a boy of around 10 and a girl of around 6 watching us from across the yard. Mindy inclined her head at them. "That's Peter and Ellen. My victims."

Ellen walked over. "Why'd you call him a kitty, Miss Mindy?"

Peter laughed. "She didn't call him a cat, she called him a pussy!" Ellen still looked confused. He bent toward her and whispered in her ear. She got even more confused. He tried once more, this time including a gesture toward the lower half of her body. Understanding dawned and her eyes grew big.

"Dave's a hoo-haw?" She gasped.

Peter and I collapsed into laughter, which Ellen quickly joined. This just left Mindy in the dark, never having been clued into how little kids swore. She shoved me to my feet and told me to get with the sparks and booms already. Still chuckling, I unpacked everything and started the show.

I started with some fire crackers and jumping jacks. Little stuff. The kids loved everything but Mindy kept looking at me strange. So I figured it was time to impress her. I pulled out a larger firecracker.

"OK Kids, stand back. This is an M-1000. It's supposed to be the same as a quarter stick of dynamite." I set it on the ground carefully and followed the instructions. 'Light fuse and get away'.

It exploded with a satisfying crump and I even felt a little bit of a shockwave hit my chest. Mindy looked at me.

"What the fuck did you pay for that?" she asked. I waited for the kids to freak out at her language, but either they'd gotten used to her or they heard the same things from their folks.

"Twenty bucks. The guy sold it to me special. He said they're not technically legal. Pretty cool, huh?" I bragged.

"Cool? Dave, I can fart louder than that." She said, hands on her hips. The kids lost it again. No kid under the age of 14 ever fails to laugh at a fart joke.

"Prove it!" I said back. It didn't crack her stony glare. "Look I'm sorry. That's all they had. And I didn't have a lot of money, like I already said." What had been starting to be a fun evening was getting ruined. Hey, I'd tried my best.

"OK." She said. "I guess I have to save the fucking Fourth of July. Keep shooting off this pissant shit and I'll be back in a little bit." With that she hurried off into the darkness in the direction of her house. I lit off some fountains and other things while she was gone. We had fun writing our names in the air with sparklers and I think the kids were pretty happy. Finally, I saw her coming back, pulling a wagon and dragging a large box.

I looked at her when she reached us. "Seriously Mindy? A wagon?"

"It's heavy, OK? Look, shut the fuck up and get out of the way. I don't want to hurt you." With that she began pulling items from the wagon and staging them for use. I noticed that one of the boxes had some strange lettering on it.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Russian, I think. Or from some other region in that part of the world. The guy Daddy bought it from was kinda vague. "

"You're going to shoot off Russian military stuff?" I asked, panic creeping into my voice.

"Of course not, fucktard. I just like the box, OK? It's a handy size." With that, she pulled a red tubular object out of her bag, shoved it under her shoulder, and started digging again. The object looked strangely familiar. "Quarter stick of dynamite, my ass…." She muttered under her breath as she continued to search. Then she finally found what she was looking for and stood up while simultaneously pulling out the red tube from under her arm. A red tube that had what looked like a fuse on the end. Dynamite. My mind screamed. Real fucking dynamite. When her hand moved toward the fuse, I sprinted across the lawn and pushed the kids down, trying to cover them with my body.

"What in the hell is wrong with you?" She asked and then pulled the string on the end of the dynamite. I tensed and waited for the end of the work. When it didn't happen right away, I looked back up. I always thought you lit a fuse. Then, the end of the tube burst into red flame. She looked at me, then at the tube. "Oh, shit, sorry. It's a road flare. I thought we needed a bit of light. And I guess it does look dynamite." She tossed it on the ground where it flared and sputtered, covering Mindy in red demonic light. "But I'd never use that shit. It's way too unstable to transport. Which is why I brought these." She pulled what looked like a black baseball out of her bag and after fiddling with it, tossed it a good ways away. "Fire in the hole!" She shouted. We all covered our ears and were almost knocked into the ground as a bright burst of light and an ear splitting boom filled the air. Mindy grinned. "That was a flash bang grenade." With that, she quickly tossed three more.

The kids and I dove for cover as the three booms echoed across the night. One of the neighbor's car alarms started going off, but Mindy just walked over, punched through the windshield, reached inside, and yanked at the wiring until it shut up. Then she came back and opened the box with the Russian writing on it.

"Dave, your fireworks are entirely too hoo-haw." She said. The kids giggled. With that, she pulled out a weapon that looked like a revolver had fucked a shotgun and then grown up on steroids. She shoved several objects about the size of a pop can and then pointed it at the sky. It made a rather quiet bang and one of the canisters went rocketing into the sky. When it exploded, it filled the sky with glorious balls of colored flame. After a brief moment of silence, both kids screamed in unison "AGAIN!"

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" I screamed. Damnit, now I was swearing around the kids.

"It's an MM-1, Dave." She said, and fired another canister into the heavens. It was, if anything, even more spectacular.

When my ears stopped ringing, I tried talking to her again. "I don't know what an MM-1 is!"

She grinned. "It's a 40mm grenade launcher, Dave." And she shot another shell into the sky. When my ears stopped ringing this time, I think I heard applause from a few streets over.

"Grenade launcher? I thought you said no military stuff!" I yelled.

"I said no RUSSIAN military stuff. What kind of unpatriotic asshole would shoot off Russian shit on the 4th? This stuff is American!" Two shots this time, and sky exploded with red and white stars.

When the ringing in my ears died down enough that I could think, I tried to reason with her one last time. "Aren't the cops going to figure this out?"

She laughed with glee. "Nah, they expect big explosions on the 4th. As long as we don't set a fire, they won't give a shit. And these are special rounds Daddy had made to celebrate with D'Amico was dead. Fireworks rigged in grenade shells. So they're safe. No shrapnel. Well, kinda safe. Daddy shot one at a mugger once and…. Nevermind. Anyway, I never got around to using them but I decided that tonight was the night. Daddy did always love the fourth." She shot three more rounds in quick succession and then, slinging the grenade launcher behind her, picked up a couple of what looked like matte green poster tubes. She handed me one and had me point one end at the sky. Then she cracked open the MM-1 and reloaded it.

"OK – when I say go, press that button on the top. And hold onto it tight." She looked over at the kids who were transfixed with delight. "OK kids, just like we practiced."

The kids began to sing "The Star Spangled Banner" while Mindy peppered shots from the MM-1 into the sky. Right before the 'rocket's red glare'part, she told me to push the button. And a real honest to fucking god rocket shot from the tube into the sky, it exploded in an incredible display of sound, light, and color. It was followed quickly by one from her. I gave in. Even if we did get arrested, it was worth it. I cheered. Then I realized that every neighbor within earshot was singing along with the kids as they repeated it one more time. What the fuck. I joined them.

"Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light  
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?  
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,  
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?  
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,  
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.  
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave  
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

With the last words still echoing, Mindy turned to me. "Just like it says, Dave. You just have to be brave."

Authors Note:

Did you know that 'The Star Spangled Banner' had four verses? I didn't. Here's the rest. I can't match it to the tune that well though.

"On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,  
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,  
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,  
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?  
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,  
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:  
'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave  
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore  
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,  
A home and a country should leave us no more!  
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.  
No refuge could save the hireling and slave  
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:  
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave  
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand  
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!  
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land  
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.  
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,  
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."  
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave  
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!"


End file.
